Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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