you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
