we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
