paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
