he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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