apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
this will be a night to untag.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
