omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
