Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
