and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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