High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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