I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
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You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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