I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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