She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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