Who did Billy Mays play for?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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