Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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