you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
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He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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