So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
