theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
