walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
