Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
