My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
