my phone needs a breathalizer
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
