I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
