just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
