just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
