This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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