I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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