Apparently you make a good broom.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
