mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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