she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Did I show you my penis last night?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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