She is in my trunk
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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