well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
im holly from the hills drunk
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
