I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
