I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
