i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
