Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
