woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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