the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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