My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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