I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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