I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
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between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
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Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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