Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
