yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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