Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
