I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
