I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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