Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
