In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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