My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
