Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
