I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
