My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
