if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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